In what is being hailed as the most bizarre intergalactic humanitarian mission since the Apollo era, a team of NASA astronauts has successfully retrieved a Nigerian woman who claims to have been floating aimlessly through the cosmos for the past five centuries.
The dramatic rescue occurred along what sources are now calling the “Intergalactic Highway”—a previously undocumented stretch of vacuum between Earth and a nearby exoplanet rich in rare gems that NASA was quietly surveying for “scientific purposes” (and possibly to fund next year’s budget).
According to mission logs, the crew—aboard the spacecraft creatively named Gem Hunter 3000—spotted an anomalous object drifting at roughly 0.0001% the speed of light. Initial scans indicated it was “a humanoid figure mounted on what appears to be a wooden household implement.” Closer inspection revealed it was an elderly woman from Edo State, Nigeria, astride a traditional broomstick that had clearly seen better days.
“We thought it was space debris at first,” said mission commander Dr. Elena Vasquez. “Then it waved. And muttered something about ‘Please help me o.’ That’s when we knew this wasn’t your average asteroid.”
The woman, identified as Madam Osarodiamen of Benin Kingdom, was gently coaxed aboard using a combination of zero-gravity nets and promises of hot pounded yam upon return. Once stabilized and given a NASA-issued spacesuit, she recounted her extraordinary tale.
“It was 1525 or so—night mission, very important,” Osarodiamen explained through a translator app that kept autocorrecting her Edo dialect to pirate English. “I dey pursue one stubborn spirit wey steal my neighbor’s goat. My broom just dey fly normal, then—gbam!—control loss. Next thing, I dey see stars, moon dey behind me, Earth looking like small moi-moi. I shout ‘Help’ but nobody answer. So I just dey drift.”
Over the ensuing 500 years, Madam Osarodiamen claims she survived on “space juju,” occasional cosmic dust, and sheer Nigerian resilience. She lost track of time after the first century but kept herself occupied by cursing passing comets and inventing zero-gravity versions of local proverbs.
“I tell am say ‘person wey no get sense go reach Mars before person wey get plan,'” she laughed, though no one quite understood the punchline.
NASA officials expressed astonishment at her survival. “She’s in remarkably good health for someone born before the invention of the wheelbarrow,” noted lead physician Dr. Raj Patel. “Her vital signs are stable, her blood pressure is perfect, and she keeps asking for ‘pure water’ that doesn’t taste like recycled astronaut sweat.”
Upon docking at the International Space Station, Madam Osarodiamen was briefed on the last half-millennium of human progress. She was particularly unimpressed.
“Wetin be this ‘democracy’ wey una dey do every four years? In my time, one king mess up, we just use charm make im belle swell until e confess.”
She expressed eagerness to return home to reunite with her husband and children in their “earthen hut.” When gently informed that Benin now has flyovers, traffic jams, and at least three branches of Chicken Republic, she paused.
“500 years… my husband don marry another wife? My children don born great-great-grandchildren? Dem go even recognize me? Or dem go think say na old witch don land?”
NASA has scheduled her return via the next SpaceX Dragon capsule, with a brief stopover in Lagos for “readjustment training” (and possibly a quick photo-op with the governor). Officials are also investigating whether her broomstick qualifies as the oldest human-made object in space, potentially beating out Voyager probes.
In the meantime, Madam Osarodiamen has already started a petition (signed in thumbprint) demanding that NASA install a “juju recharge station” on the Moon for future Nigerian witches who might accidentally overshoot their targets.
More updates as this historic reunion unfolds. Or as Madam Osarodiamen puts it: “Time don waka pass, but juju no dey retire.”
