TEHRAN – The Iranian Assembly of Experts announced this morning that Chief (Dr.) Chinedu Al-Bakare, a 54-year-old serial entrepreneur and part-time “Chief Launcher” from Onitsha, has been officially sworn in as the new Ayatollah of the Islamic Republic of Iran.
The decision follows weeks of deadlock in the 2026 succession race, with the Assembly reportedly “impressed and slightly terrified” by the Nigerian’s resume.
The “Master of Management”
The new Supreme Leader, who will henceforth be known as His Eminence, The Grand Ayatollah Chinedu I of Qom, was reportedly discovered during a high-level trade mission in Abuja. Sources say the Iranian selection committee was looking for a leader who could manage “extreme chaos, fuel scarcity, and persistent international sanctions” without breaking a sweat.
“We saw how he managed a three-way wedding, a chieftaincy dispute, and a fleet of luxury buses during a nationwide strike,” said an Assembly spokesperson, while adjusting his turban. “We realized that if he can survive the Lagos-Ibadan Expressway on a Friday evening, the Middle East is basically a vacation.”
Immediate Reforms
Within three hours of his coronation, the new Ayatollah issued his first fatwa, which includes:
The “Owambe” Clause: All Friday prayers will now be followed by a reception featuring jollof rice and a live highlife band.
Strategic Patience: The IRGC’s “Strategic Patience” policy has been renamed “God’s Time is the Best.”
Sanctions Busting: The Ayatollah has promised to bypass Western oil sanctions by “knowing a guy who knows a guy in Cotonou.”
Global Reactions
The White House has issued a “confused but cautious” statement, noting that they are unsure how to handle a Supreme Leader who responds to every diplomatic ultimatum with, “Oga, why you dey vex? Calm down.”
Meanwhile, the Nigerian government has already claimed the victory as a win for “The Giant of Africa,” with the Ministry of Foreign Affairs requesting that the Iranian nuclear program be renamed “The Great Green-White-Green Power Project (Global Version).”
At the time of reporting, the new Ayatollah was seen arguing with the Iranian Ministry of Finance over why the Presidential Palace didn’t have a “reserved” parking space for his 2026 Mercedes G-Wagon.
