Abuja — Thousands of rats reportedly invaded the Presidential Villa at Aso Rock early Tuesday morning, forcing security personnel into what eyewitnesses described as “a tactical retreat fueled by pure panic and mild screaming.”
The rodents, believed to have emerged from undisclosed government file cabinets and long-forgotten policy documents, marched in formation through the corridors of power, chanting what analysts have interpreted as, “No more crumbs, we want contracts!”
Sources within the Villa confirmed that the rats immediately occupied key offices, including the budget department, where they began reviewing national allocations with what one aide described as “disturbing familiarity with line items.”
“They went straight to recurrent expenditure,” the aide said. “One of them even adjusted figures with its tail. Honestly, we suspect they’ve been here longer than we thought.”
In a press briefing, a visibly shaken official stated that the rodents had issued a list of demands, including:
- Formal recognition as “critical stakeholders”
- 30% allocation of all stored grains nationwide
- Immediate renovation of all abandoned government buildings for “habitable nesting”
- And most controversially, appointment into advisory roles on “chewing through bureaucratic bottlenecks”
Political analysts say the invasion may not be entirely unexpected.
“For years, Nigerians have complained about ‘rats eating money,’” said one expert. “This is simply the first time they’ve decided to show up physically and cut out the middleman.”
Meanwhile, attempts to fumigate the premises have reportedly failed, as the rats have allegedly secured legal backing from a coalition of “concerned pests” arguing for environmental protection and rodent rights.
In a surprising twist, a faction of the rats has announced plans to form a political party, the National Rodent Congress (NRC), with a campaign slogan: “We don’t just eat the system, we are the system.”
At the time of reporting, government officials were said to be in an emergency meeting, although insiders claim the rats are already seated at the table.
One anonymous staff member summed up the situation bluntly:
“Honestly, the only difference now is that the rats are no longer pretending to be human.”
