BREAKING: APC Sets Up 100-Man Committee to “Remember” Everything Rabiu Musa Kwankwaso Ever Did
Abuja—In what insiders have described as a “national emergency of selective memory,” the All Progressives Congress (APC) has reportedly constituted a 100-man special committee tasked with urgently excavating the past of former Kano State Governor, Rabiu Musa Kwankwaso.
This comes just hours after Kwankwaso officially pitched his political tent with the African Democratic Congress (ADC), following what sources called “irreconcilable disagreements” with the APC—translated loosely as “they didn’t agree on who should disagree more.”
According to a confidential memo leaked to the press (and WhatsApp groups), the committee’s mandate is simple: “Find something. Anything. Even if it was a missing stapler in 2003.”
“We Just Want Accountability… Timing Is Coincidental”
A senior APC official, who insisted on anonymity because he plans to deny everything later, stated:
“Let it be clear, we are not targeting anyone. We are just deeply committed to transparency. It’s purely coincidental that this commitment activates immediately after someone joins the opposition.”
The committee, made up of forensic accountants, retired EFCC enthusiasts, Twitter detectives, and one very determined uncle who “knows people in Kano,” is expected to comb through decades of Kwankwaso’s political career.
Advanced Investigation Techniques
Sources say the committee has been equipped with cutting-edge tools, including:
- Old campaign posters from 1999
- Archived radio jingles
- Secondary school classmates willing to “remember something”
- A team assigned to interpret facial expressions from past speeches
One subcommittee is reportedly focused on analyzing whether Kwankwaso ever said “we will see” in a suspicious tone during his tenure.
ADC Reacts
Meanwhile, the African Democratic Congress has welcomed Kwankwaso, describing him as “a man of integrity, vision, and excellent timing.”
An ADC spokesperson added:
“We fully support any investigation, especially the kind that only happens after you refuse to join certain people.”
Nigerians Unshocked
Across the country, Nigerians have reacted with their usual mix of amusement and resignation.
One Lagos resident commented:
“At this point, joining opposition in Nigeria should come with a welcome package, and a pre-written legal defense.”
What’s Next?
Insiders reveal that if the 100-man committee fails to find anything substantial, APC is prepared to:
- Expand the committee to 300 members
- Launch a documentary titled “The Many Mysteries of Kwankwaso”
- Or simply wait patiently until he changes parties again
As the political drama unfolds, analysts say one thing is certain: in Nigerian politics, the past is never truly past, it’s just waiting for the right party switch.
