President Tinubu Dives into Ancient Archives to Unearth More Yoruba Tribesmen for ‘Strategic National Appointments’
In a bold move to silence critics accusing him of running what some have dubbed “Yoruba Incorporated,” President Bola Ahmed Tinubu has reportedly retreated to the dusty corners of the National Archives in a frantic search for long-lost relatives and distant cousins eligible for high-profile government positions.
Sources close to the presidency, speaking on condition of anonymity because they fear being labeled “non-indigenes,” revealed that the President personally requested the 18th-century Oyo Empire census records, colonial-era birth registries from Lagos Island, and even a faded 1950s Lagos high school yearbook titled “Future Leaders of the Southwest (and Everyone Else Can Watch).”
“His Excellency was very specific,” one archivist told our reporter while clutching a scroll labeled ‘Eko Boys Who Might One Day Need Jobs.’ “He asked for anyone with surnames ending in -ade, -ola, -ayo, or anything that sounds like it could fit on a campaign poster. He even circled a few entries with red marker and wrote ‘NNPC board material’ next to them.”
The President’s special adviser on ancestral appointments, who was spotted carrying a family tree larger than the Nigerian flag, explained the rationale: “We have exhausted the living Yoruba population in Lagos, Ogun, Oyo, Osun, Ondo, and Ekiti. Now we must go deeper—into history itself—to ensure federal character is… well, characterfully federal in the Southwest direction.”
Critics, including voices from other regions who have taken to calling the administration “Nepotism Pro-Max,” have pointed out that key positions—from the CBN Governor to the Chief of Army Staff, EFCC Chairman, DSS boss, and even the person who apparently approves official letterhead fonts—are already comfortably occupied by individuals sharing cultural affinity with the President.
Undeterred, Tinubu is said to have emerged from the archives with a triumphant grin and a list of 47 newly “discovered” tribesmen, including one 300-year-old spirit medium from Ife who allegedly qualifies for the yet-to-be-created position of “Permanent Secretary for Spiritual and Cultural Rebranding.”
“I am not tribalistic,” the President reportedly declared in a leaked memo. “I am merely practicing inclusive meritocracy—where merit is defined as sharing my DNA or at least knowing how to pronounce ‘Emilokan’ correctly.”
Opposition figures have decried the move as a violation of the federal character principle, with one senator from the North reportedly muttering, “If he digs any deeper, he’ll hit groundwater—and even then, it’ll probably be bottled in Ijebu.”
Meanwhile, the Presidency has denied all allegations of bias, insisting that the archival expedition is part of a broader “National Unity Through Genealogy” initiative. “We are simply ensuring no qualified Yoruba is left behind in the dust of history,” a statement read. “Besides, who else is going to appoint the next Comptroller-General of the Archives?”
As the President prepares to swear in his latest batch of appointees—some of whom may need to be briefed on modern electricity—the nation waits with bated breath to see if the ancient scrolls will finally yield a balanced federation… or just more names that sound suspiciously like the current cabinet directory.
