In what experts are calling “a deeply concerning but somehow unsurprising discovery,” a new study released yesterday has revealed that over 99% of individuals identified as “Obidiots” have tested positive for a previously unknown strain of the zombie virus.
The study, conducted by the highly reputable Institute of Political Vibes and Emotional Reactions, claims the virus, officially named Zombicus Partisanus, causes symptoms such as aggressive keyboard tapping, spontaneous fact-checking during unrelated conversations, and an uncontrollable urge to say, “Do your research!” at least five times per hour.
Lead researcher Dr. Tunde Bafflement explained the findings at a press conference.
“We initially thought we were studying political enthusiasm,” he said. “But when subjects began repeating the same talking points in unison while staring blankly at their phones for 18 hours straight, we knew we were dealing with something more… undead.”
According to the report, infected individuals display classic zombie-like traits including:
- Selective hearing (only responding to certain political keywords)
- Emotional overdrive triggered by opposing opinions
- Inability to log off, even when battery is at 1%
One alarming case involved a subject who reportedly argued with a generator for “not supporting the movement.”
Health authorities have urged calm, noting that the virus appears to be non-lethal but highly contagious, especially on social media platforms. “Transmission occurs primarily through quote tweets, WhatsApp forwards, and comment section warfare,” said one official. “If you see someone typing in all caps with 47 exclamation marks, keep your distance.”
In response, the government has announced plans to distribute emergency “Reality Check Kits,” which include data bundles, neutral news articles, and a mirror “for self-reflection, if symptoms allow.”
Meanwhile, a smaller counter-study has emerged claiming that members of other political groups may also be carriers, suggesting the outbreak could be broader than initially thought. However, both sides have dismissed the findings as “fake news created by the other zombies.”
At press time, researchers confirmed that attempts to cure the virus using logic and balanced discourse have so far been “completely ineffective.”
