In an emotional address broadcast live on national television last night — powered, ironically, by a loud, smoke-belching diesel generator — the Honourable Minister of Power tendered what many are calling “the most sincere non-apology apology of the decade.”
Standing under a single flickering 40-watt bulb that kept dying every ninety seconds, the visibly sweating minister wiped his brow with a government-issue handkerchief and spoke directly to the millions of Nigerians currently marinating in 34 °C darkness.
“My dear suffering compatriots,” he began, pausing dramatically as the generator coughed like it was about to go off, “on behalf of myself, the entire Federal Executive Council, and every transformer that has refused to work since 1999… I apologise. From the bottom of my heart. The light is not here. Again.”
He then delivered the bombshell policy intervention that has already sent Twitter (sorry, X) into meltdown:
“Government has heard your cries. To immediately alleviate the hardship of heat, sweat, and slow-roasting children during NEPA-induced midnight sauna sessions, we are launching Operation Handfan 2026 — the most ambitious mass distribution programme since the days of free primary education textbooks that never arrived.”
Under the scheme:
Every Nigerian citizen above the age of two will receive one (1) premium made-in-China handfan (bamboo frame, palm-leaf weave, government-approved ventilation holes).
The fans will be distributed through a transparent, corruption-free system involving local government chairmen, party ward chairmen, pastors, imams, traditional rulers, and selected WhatsApp group administrators.
Priority will be given to “areas of highest darkness intensity” — which, analysts note, currently covers the entire country except the Aso Rock diesel plant and the minister’s personal generating set.
Each fan comes with a motivational slogan printed in Comic Sans: “When Light Fails, Fan Prevails – courtesy of Your Caring Government”
When pressed by journalists about why the ministry is distributing manual fans instead of, say, fixing the national grid, repairing vandalised transmission lines, paying gas suppliers, or actually generating more megawatts, the minister smiled serenely.
“My brother, you want instant solution or you want another white-paper committee? We are being realistic. Science has not yet invented a solar panel that can power a whole country when politicians are still in charge of sunlight allocation. But handfans? Handfans we can deliver. In fact, prototypes are already being tested — people are fanning right now in Agege, Oshodi, and parts of Ajegunle. Progress!”
Social media reaction has been predictably savage:
- “Minister said handfan go fight 40-degree heat + generator fumes. Na Olympics level endurance dem dey give us.” — @NaijaSufferHead
- “Next budget: 1.2 trillion naira for procurement of 220 million handfans at ₦5,500 each. May God punish bad market.” — @PIDOMverified
- “I don collect my fan. Wetin remain na NEPA to bring breeze make e blow am.” — @IbadanBabe
The minister concluded his address by personally demonstrating proper handfan technique — vigorous wrist action combined with theatrical sighs — before the lone bulb finally gave up the ghost, plunging the studio into darkness mid-sentence.
He was last seen being escorted out by aides carrying torches made from rolled-up 2025 budget documents.
This is satire. No handfans were actually procured during the writing of this article. Nigerians are, however, still fanning themselves.
